The Undone

It’s 3:00 AM when I awake. The apartment is a winter day quiet, the kind where fresh-fallen snow has muffled the sounds of the day into an almost tangible silence – you can almost feel it like you can the cold under your feet. The padded carpet makes little noise as I stumble, half-awake, into the living room where soft light from the parking lot filters in through the slats of the window blinds. The cooler air making its way in through the door jam betrays the frigid temperatures of the night air outside. Autumn came in suddenly this year, and is leaving quickly, as if Winter is elbowing its way in with its long, icy fingers and soon with long, icy months.

But, in all its untamed nature – or because of it - winter brings with it a certain romance. Stepping outside this early morning I am immediately transported into a different scene than the softly-padded carpet and whitewashed walls of the living room. All is real here, and in-your-face. My naked feet feel almost instantly frozen, and the air is biting like a thousand piranha assaulting my body. But I feel, and that is the point, I think. Having just barely awoken minutes before, I am now wide-eyed and aware. It is dangerous to stay long in near-freezing temperatures without protection, but the danger itself tells of something true. Out here, I am plunged into reality. My eyes scan the horizon and then the darkened sky. Closing my eyes, I hold my head up and stretch out my arms in amazement that I am this alive, that I can see and hear and feel and sense and that, in a deeper and more important way, I can love and enjoy and experience and know, intimately.

Stepping back into the warmth, I am struck by the twilight between summer and the colder months, how one has not yet left and the other not yet fully arrived. I am tight-rope walking as they play tug-of-war. And it’s not the only war occurring this night.

I am in twilight as well. There is, of course, the twilight between what I am and what I will one day become, between what I experience now and what I one day will know. That’s an anticipatory twilight, a hopeful one.

But there is also the twilight between the two kingdoms, an interval or a distance that is quickly fading into the advancing day as the armies of both advance upon this battleground. I find myself most days fighting between giving myself over to the Wild One, the Lover God, and being pulled by my own flesh, by the Enemy of my heart, and by this world quickly fading. I am walking a tight-rope in a tug-of-war between the Worlds: that of the kingdom of darkness, and that of the Kingdom of Christ. I have been given over to the Kingdom of Light, no doubt, but how far am I willing to walk as a disciple with Christ? It is as Watchman Nee had it, that a person given partially to God is of no more use to the world, but a person not yet given wholly to God has not yet come fully into His kingdom, and as such is of no help by God.

My knees hit the padded floor and I cry out in repentance. Oh Lord, there is life to be had, there is One my heart was made for and my life is to be lived for. I am yet undone, Lord. You bid me come, and I come. Expose these regions in me that are yet cold and unyielding, that I might be made whole and holy by Your love. Until the day dawns, Christ Jesus, and the morning star rises in my heart.

Song of the Soul

The following is not a recent #1 pop hit, a gushy romance between a man and woman, nor even a Shakespearean love sonnet. It is an expression of a love between a man and his God. It is a picture of the kind of intimacy we are invited into, each. It reminds me of a present-day tryst between a disciple and his God.

On a dark night,
Inflamed by love-longing-
O exquisite risk!-
Undetected I slipped away.
My house, at last, grown still.
Secure in the darkness,
I climbed the secret ladder in disguise-
O exquisite risk!-
Concealed by the darkness.
My house, at last, grown still.
That sweet night: a secret.
Nobody saw me;
I did not see a thing.
No other light, no other guide
Than the one burning in my heart.
This light led the way
More clearly than the risen sun
To where he was waiting for me
-The one I knew so intimately-
In a place where no one could find us.
O night, that guided me!
O night, sweeter than sunrise!
O night, that joined lover with Beloved!
Lover transformed in Beloved !
Upon my blossoming breast,
Which I cultivated just for him,
He drifted into sleep,
And while I caressed him,
A cedar breeze touched the air.
Wind blew down from the tower,
Parting the locks of his hair.
With his gentle hand
He wounded my neck
And all my senses were suspended.
I lost myself. Forgot myself .
I lay my face against the Beloved's face.
Everything fell away and I left myself behind,
Abandoning my cares
Among the lilies, forgotten.

-by St. John of the Cross translated by Mirabai Starr

Fullness of Life and Discipleship

The following is taken from Seize the Day with Dietrich Bonhoeffer, by Charles Ringma, © 2000 Charles Ringma

Proverbs 28:14

I am sure we honour God more if we gratefully accept the life he gives us with all its blessing, loving it and drinking it to the full, grieving deeply and sincerely when we have belittled or thrown away any of the precious things of life.
-Letters and Papers From Prison

Discipleship does not mean that we live a life of deprivation, but rather a life of appreciation, thankfulness, and sharing. It is only the person who has drunk deeply at the well of life who can voluntarily lay aside things for the sake of others. But even then, one needs to return again and again to be filled, stimulated, and encouraged. Discipleship is not throwing blessings away in order to be able to identify with the poor and needy. It is drawing others in to share in the blessings that God gives.

The Father (Audio)

Recapturing the Wonder (Audio)

Note: It's actually hundreds of square yards worth of an old mining area, not hundreds of square miles.

That We Might Live

A dear friend of mine and companion in this War Between the Worlds recently invited me to participate in a battle for the hearts of men in the Kingdom. I know none of them… yet… but they are no doubt key warriors, prophets, kings, and lovers of God, needed so desperately in this hour.

And I’m struck by the invitation. My response was an immediate, yes. What else would it be? What else would I want to give my time and energy to?

I feel like Thomas who said, in response to Jesus' insistence of going back to Judea where the disciples just knew he would be killed (and they with him), "Let us also go, that we may die with him" (John 11:16). Where else would they go, after all? (John 6:68). This was life for them, that they would know Christ, and part of that knowing came in walking right into the line of fire if that’s where He was headed. It makes me think of Paul who said that his worship of God was intrinsically tied to his serving Him, which meant that he would make this good news known (See Romans 1:9 in The Message.) The Amplified reveals what Paul meant by serving, “rendering priestly and spiritual service.”

I know by past experience the richness of encountering God in this type of battle. It is the glory of knowing a commander and being invited to participate in the strategies of war with him. It is the privilege of being a part of a Grand Rescue. And it is a part of the process of becoming “whole and holy” in the image of the Lion of Judah and by his awesome love, hotter than fire, more alive than breath.

Invited in, initiated in, I head into battle once more, for the treasures Christ came to ransom and set free. Through it all, I find it is me, as much as anyone, who is being won and known (Psalm 139:23)