Missing Love

Lots of hurts have been exposed in the recent battle I’ve found myself in. I’m broken. Feel like I’m waking up to punctured lungs. I’m breathing, but it hurts. Found this song in shuffling through some CDs. Sitting here weeping hearing it. I hope you’ve heard it, because the passion of the music is half of it. But here are the words.

Missing Love
PFR

I spent my life learning to survive.
Walked down these roads
hoping each one might lead me home.
I learned early on
That trust can come undone
And leave your heart guarding its deepest part.
But you got in through the marrow and bone
Shed some light where none had shone

I lost I found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

Can you teach me
to live as one who’s free
From fear from shame
and the lie that I’ll never change
Help me to see myself through a lover’s eyes
No more mask no disguise

I lost I found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

You found me
and made me whole again
My savior my friend

I lost I found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

That’s what I had done – learned to survive. And trust always came undone, left me to guard the deepest parts of my heart from the God who created it. And I want to learn to live as one who’s free. I don’t want to be set free now – Jesus has already done that. Now I need to learn to live as one who is free. And oh, to see myself through a Lover’s eyes, and stand naked before Him, no masks, no disguise. And I love how he sings, “I lost. I found I was missing love…” I feel like in these last couple of weeks that I have wrestled so hard, struggled with so much. So now, in light of “losing” a wrestling match (if that’s what this has all been about), there’s hope of finding more. Russian poet Rainer Marie Rilke said that what we choose to battle against is so small, and the victory itself makes us small. But what chooses to battle us is big, and we are birthed into life by our defeat. And so, this is what it is to be birthed into life: being defeated by constantly bigger things. Maybe this is a part of that for me. The thought of letting go of the possibility of some things I had held onto so tightly for hope brings up a lot of disappointment and a lot of uncertainty. To say that those are just part of the Mystery in this journey is true, but it doesn’t feel all that helpful. What is God up to in all of this? I’m not sure, but if the song gives any clue, it may be my defeat, so that I may walk up out of a river gorge with a limp but also a new name (“to see myself through a lover’s eyes”).